WEEK ONE ~ "FEEDING" THE SEAGULLS

"FEEDING" THE SEAGULS
By
Kyle Gregory Boynton

Cast of Characters
JERRY: the Journalist
TANYA: the Woman

Scene
A "beach"

Time
Present? The future? Yeah, the future is cooler sounding.

Lights up on a "beach". JERRY enters carrying a
potato gun. Positions himself center(ish) stage,
takes aim, and fires at a "Seagull" above the
audience. *Each time a "Seagull" is hit,
"squaking" sounds can be heard over JERRY’s
twisted laughter.

JERRY
Sons-of-bitches!

~~He shoots one more. Laughs.
~~TANYA enters.

TANYA
What the fuck are you doing?

JERRY
What does it look like?

TANYA
It looks like you’re shooting seagulls!

JERRY
Bingo!

TANYA
I’m pretty sure this is illegal!

JERRY
They’re baby potatoes! It’s not going to kill them. In
fact, I’m saying I’m feeding them. This is my "feeding
birds time" so leave me the hell alone.

TANYA
This would be a lot funnier if you were like in your
80’s. It honestly looks like you’ve lost your mind.

JERRY
Well, in a way, I suppose that’s true.

TANYA
How so?

~~JERRY shoots another "Seagull".

TANYA
Stop that!

JERRY
No! It’s helping me!

TANYA
It’s helping you with what?

JERRY
I’m not going to say my life with a complete stranger!

TANYA
But you’ll shoot at seagulls?

JERRY
...Fine. It’s helping me with my writer’s block.

TANYA
So... You. Shoot birds when you have writer’s block?

JERRY
Just.. Seagulls.

TANYA
Oh.

JERRY
Yeah.

TANYA
Why seagulls?

JERRY
(sighs)
Because they’re seagulls. They annoy the shit out of
me. And shooting mini-baby potatoes at them makes me
feel better, okay?

TANYA
Yeah, that makes perfect sense...
(pause)
Are you writing a book?

JERRY
Nope.

TANYA
A play? Music?

JERRY
Nope. I’m a journalist.

TANYA
What kind?

JERRY
Just a staff writer. My editor gives me writing
assignments. I usually cover events, things like that.

TANYA
Where does the writer’s block come from if you cover
events? That shouldn’t be too hard to write about.

JERRY
It’s just..Stressful, okay?

TANYA
I can see that. Seeing how your shooting--

~~JERRY shoots another "seagull".

TANYA
Give me that!

~~She grabs the potato gun from him.

JERRY
Will you give that back please?

TANYA
Nope. I’m going to give it a try.

JERRY
Please? I’d really like my potato gun back.

TANYA
Not until you tell me what the big deal is.

JERRY
Why do you care?

TANYA
Because, no one should be stressed about what they do.
I mean, there should be a level of stress, but not so
much stress they lose their minds and go off shooting
seagulls.

JERRY
(sighs)
Fine. The last article I wrote was a review for a local
theater company’s production of The Phantom of the
Opera.

TANYA
Oh.

JERRY
It wasn’t the nicest review I ever wrote, but that’s my
job. To report on the truth. The paper posted it online
and there was an outcry from the theater community.

TANYA
What do you mean?

JERRY
Actors, directors, dancers, costume designers, you name
it - lashed out at me and criticized my reporting. Now,
whenever I sit down to write a article I think about
how people will react.

TANYA
What kind of stuff did they say?

JERRY
"You don’t know what real art is", "That was just a bad
night - you should have given us the benefit of the
doubt"...

TANYA
That’s not so bad...

JERRY
But the one that really got me, was from this dancer.
She said "You’re just a washed up hack who will take
out your unsuccessful career. And wh--"

TANYA
"And when you die I’ll dance, ’poorly’, on your grave."
(pause.)
Sorry.

JERRY
That was you?

TANYA
Too be fair, I was a little intoxicated...

JERRY
But-

TANYA
And, the other dancers put me up to it...

JERRY
How you say such-

TANYA
BUT, too be perfectly honest, I agreed with most - if
not all - of what you said.

JERRY
You did?

TANYA
Look. You’re a journalist. You report the truth. And
the truth is, that production was awful. It’s not your
fault if people can’t handle that.

JERRY
I guess.

TANYA
Plus, they shouldn’t let what "one guy" says about
their production effect them. They should go on stage
every night and do their best.

JERRY
You’re right.

TANYA
And you know what? If people have enough time to sit at
their computers and be angry at someone doing their
job, then why aren’t they out doing their’s? Instead of
coming up with hateful things to say, rehearse and get
better.

JERRY
Is that what you did?

TANYA
Not really. I didn’t like being involved in that show.

JERRY
What are you out here for anyway.

TANYA
Walking. Taking pictures. It’s my way of relaxing. It’s
my--

JERRY
--own version of "Feeding" The Seagulls.

TANYA
Something like that.


CURTAIN